This Trait Could Be Key to a Lasting Romance
If you’re having issues with your partner, one of you might need a nice dose of humility.
The Conversation
- Toni Antonucci
- Kristine J. Ajrouch
- Noah J. Webster
Passion and commitment are widely believed to be the foundation of strong romantic relationships.
But a relationship is made of two unique individuals, and
personality traits these individuals possess or lack can often make a
relationship more likely to endure.
In a 2019 study, we found that one trait in particular – humility – is an important indicator of successful relationships.
An Honest View of Shortcomings
Humility can sometimes be confused with low self-esteem, low confidence or meekness.
But researchers have come to realize
that being humble generally indicates the presence of deeply admirable
personal qualities. It means you have the ability to accurately assess
your deficiencies without denying your skills and strengths.
For example, you might recognize that you’re smart but realize
it would be absurd to call yourself all-knowing – especially when the
scope of human knowledge is so vast. This is an honest and sober view of
your shortcomings.
As the philosopher Jason Baehr has argued, “To be humble is to
be attentive to and disposed to ‘own’ one’s limitations, weaknesses, and
mistakes. A humble person does not ignore, avoid, or try to deny her
limits or deficiencies.”
If you’re humble, you lack a host of negative qualities, such as
arrogance and overconfidence. It means you can acknowledge mistakes,
see value in things that are riddled with imperfections and identify
areas for improvement.
The Link Between Humility and Forgiveness
Humility appears to be a huge asset to relationships. One study
found that people tend to rate this quality highly in their significant
other. It also found that someone who is humble is more likely to
initiate a romantic relationship, perhaps because they’re less likely to
see themselves as “too good” for someone else.
But in our study, we wanted to explore the link between humility and forgiveness in couples.
Humility is tricky to measure; we worried that people who were
arrogant might presumptuously declare their humility, while people who
were actually humble would, as a sign of their humility, downplay this
trait.
So we approached this question by asking each partner in a
romantic relationship about their own and their partner’s humility. We
hoped that even if a truly humble person didn’t consider themselves
humble, at least their partner would recognize this trait.
We asked 284 couples from the Detroit metropolitan area
questions about how humble they were, how humble they thought their
partner was and if they were likely to forgive their partner if they did
something that was hurtful, like insulting them.
We found that people who felt their partner or spouse was humble
were more likely to forgive them following a hurtful situation. This
wasn’t true, however, of those who felt their partner or spouse was
arrogant. Many of our respondents with arrogant partners indicated that
because their partners were less likely to admit to any personal
failings, they were less likely forgive them.
Interestingly, the strength of an individual’s social network
can play a role too. If someone has a humble partner, they’re more
likely to forgive that person. If someone has a lot of close, supportive
friends and a humble partner, they’ll be even more likely to forgive
that partner after he or she has screwed up. But if your partner is
arrogant, it doesn’t matter how many great friends the couple has,
they’ll still be less likely to be forgiven.
The ability to forgive is so important because pain is an
inevitable part of any relationship. People mess up. They might say
something they don’t mean, be unknowingly inconsiderate or forget an
important event. So when looking for a partner, it’s probably a good
idea to find someone who recognizes that making mistakes is part of
being human.
Toni Antonucci is the Elizabeth M. Douvan Collegiate Professor of Psychology at the University of Michigan.
Kristine
J. Ajrouch is an Adjunct Research Professor, Survey Research Center,
Institute for Social Research, at the University of Michigan.
Noah
J. Webster is an Assistant Research Scientist, Survey Research Center,
Institute for Social Research, at the University of Michigan.
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